Feb 12, 2024 Today God was dealing with me lovingly about being honest with Him. I had learned many years ago about facing my feelings honestly with God after becoming a Christian and then letting Him help me work through my feelings. Today was different, He was working on cleaning my mind, and bringing to my mind something from my subconscious that I held against God and myself.
I had been so very close to being saved from my sins and becoming a Christian many times over the years. I can even remember as far back as when I was 5 years old and had a personal experience with Jesus when a Sunday School Teacher had us focus on our pictures of Jesus and talk to Jesus. I told Him I loved Him and I not only felt Him say I love you to me, but I felt the depth of His Love for me was so great it was even more than my parents loved me. I was surprised and wanted more of His awesome warm, peaceful love that I could even feel and experience as a real thing in my heart.
Should I Pray for Courage?
To make a long story short, I never shared the experience with the teacher or anyone else in my family. I never explained to my family why I was determined to get back to that Sunday School class the next week. My dad had to drop me off. I had to go by myself to the Sunday School Classroom, because my mom was on bedrest due to a difficult pregnancy with my little sister. My grandfather would be out of town and that meant no one could go with me. I was determined to go, even if it meant going alone. It did not go well. In the Sunday School Classroom, we did not take the time to focus on Jesus and pray like we did the week before. I wondered where Jesus was. I got worried and started imaging the worst.
Do I Need to Forgive Myself?
On Feb 12, 2024, I still had years of anger and unforgiveness for myself foremost for being a coward and not telling anyone what was going on in my life. I also had a lot of anger towards God, because that following week as a little child I experienced a Spiritual Attack that made me run from God out of feelings of being unworthy. I was hiding in my subconscious that I was angry with God, because I felt God should have delivered me from spiritual attacks, even though I didn’t ask Him for any kind of help.
Bottom line, God reminded me of the story of Job and how God had faith in Job. God also helped me see that He had faith in me that I would come to not only love Jesus, have more courage and even learn to ask for what I needed. This was the first time I ran away from God out of fear, because my stronger desire was to save myself. There were numerous times I ran away from God out of fear. As Jesus helped me look back, I could see how many times I came close. I had free will and God waited for me to overcome my fear and to start to earnestly seek Him. He also helped me forgive myself and see from His perspective, how important our Free Will is to Him. He respects our choices.
Focus on God
Holy Father of Love, thank You for Your patience with me. Jesus, thank You for teaching me to forgive myself. Thank You for improving our relationship and helping me see things from Your perspective. Thank you for helping me to have the courage to be honest with God and myself. I have a lot to learn and understand. Thank You for being so kind, loving and patient with me! Thank You for helping me to start to see our Heavenly Father from Your perspective. You truly are an AWESOME GOD! Amen