Trying to Find My Place
She always felt like she did not fit in, like she was not really a member of the family. It was that way to some degree, everywhere she went. Now here she was again, feeling the same way about her new Spiritual Family too. She had always recognized that she always felt different and separated in some way from every family she had ever been a part of. She just could not bring herself to make that extra effort to connect to people. She found it difficult to trust and just be herself. She did not feel like she knew who she was, what her purpose was in a family or any group she tried to join. She often felt odd, unloved, uncomfortable and out of place. Jesus was helping her heal on a deeper level and rediscover who she was in Jesus the Christ. She was a new creation in Christ and was learning to identify with how she had changed and was continuing to change as she grew closer in her relationship with Jesus (2 Cor 5:17).
Feeling Lost
She wondered if this is how a lost lamb feels. Is this why they get lost? She was sure she was feeling like a lost lamb that wanders off because it does not feel like it fits in with the flock for some reason. She realized that she was feeling like a lamb in a flock of more mature sheep. She wondered if she belonged. She wondered what she would need to do to fit in. She started to remember feeling this same way years ago. She had been a new Christian in her 30s. She decided she needed to be more pious and respectful of the Messiah, the Son of God. She wanted to fit in with her new flock.
Jesus
As a young child in her Sunday School Classroom she had told Jesus, “I love you.” He had not only responded through the Holy Spirit with saying, “I love you.”, but also had His Spirit cover her heart with love for the first time. She could feel the love of Jesus and knew He loved her more than her own parents loved her. She seemed to always have a secret place in her heart where that love had rested. She loved Him and knew Him as Jesus.
The LORD
As a new Christian she decided to be more respectful and started to no longer call him Jesus, but LORD out of respect for his position as God. Plus, the more mature Christians in her flock were calling him LORD. Shouldn’t she? She even started to feel more like a servant and more religious. One day at the beginning of a prayer on her knees, she started very respectfully as, “LORD”, but she was suddenly stopped abruptly by a vision of her own hands forcefully using ASL to sign the word “stop” then the word “name”. She quickly responded, “Jesus”. As she silently waited on Jesus, she began to see the attitude differences she had when she used each name of God. She understood he valued a loving personal relationship with her better than the pious servant attitude she was trying to maintain. The more mature Christians might have been able to call Jesus, LORD and maintain a personal relationship with him, but she was not able to do that. She learned that she could call him Lord Jesus as well as other names of God as he revealed his attributes through his many names and titles. She learned and maintained a personal relationship, while still giving him the respect he deserved and knowing him personally as Jesus.
Repeating The Relationship Lesson
Here it was almost 40 years later, and she was having to learn this same lesson again! It was only the 2nd week in a class on the names of God and she was struggling again to fit in with the other ladies. The first week had been hard, because she had seen things differently from all of the other ladies in the class. She was feeling out of place, like a lost lamb. Her instinct was to run or fit in somehow. This new name of Jesus she had heard many times before. It was Yeshua the Hebrew name instead of the English name, Jesus. She got excited at the aspect of learning something about his native language. This was the Hebrew name that Jesus had chosen for himself, so it must be more acceptable and powerful. She thought this week would be easy and she would be able to better fit in with the other ladies in the class.
She soon started repeating the previously learned lesson that Jesus is all about her attitude and the state of her heart. She had immediately, tried only using Yeshua in her prayers and noticed she felt like her prayers were not going anywhere. Where was the Holy Spirit? It did not make logical sense. She also noticed all the Scriptures she was reading or hearing, suddenly felt like she was in a classroom studying Yeshua instead of worshipping Him. It felt like she was cut off from God. She knew she had to go to God and reason out what was suddenly wrong with their relationship.
She suspected it was about her attitude. That’s when the Holy Spirit revealed the Holiness and Power is in God Himself, not His Name. His name is only powerful and has the attributes of God, because He is the power inhabiting His name. He reminded her of her lesson years ago when she tried to be pious and call Jesus, LORD and omit the name Jesus. Yes, she was doing it again. He reminded her of what she was thinking when the name for the lesson was announced. She remembered she was seeking to identify with His heritage and expected it to be more powerful than His English name, Jesus. He never condemned her. He did not condemn her for wanting to show him more respect. He did not condemn her for wanting to understand his Jewish heritage or even the desire to pray more powerful prayers.
A Personal Relationship
He was actually happy she was seeking to know him better. He reminded her He is interested in having a personal relationship founded on love and trust with her. Each personal relationship He has with one of God’s children is personal, and she did not need to conform to whatever was correct for a friend, unless Jesus was leading her there. The problem was that she was trying to use her intellect to grow closer to God instead of letting Jesus lead her. Jesus just wanted her to be herself. To stop comparing herself to others. To stop worrying if she fit in or if she was different. To stop worrying and just know Jesus loved her. He meant it when He told her He loved her when she was 5 years old. He still meant it and always would. He just wanted her to relax, be herself and know He loved her.
Accepting Myself
Lord God Almighty, Father of Love, please sanctify me in Your holiness in the name of Christ Jesus. Thank you for Your patience and unconditional love. It amazes me that You just want us all to learn to be our true selves in You and live out that truth in the world. It’s almost funny how I make such a simple thing be so hard sometimes. Help me be victorious being myself in You Jesus. Jesus, You are Lord of Lords and King of Kings, but most importantly, You are my Jesus. You are also Yeshua, King of the Jews who died for my sins and arose from the grave on the third day. You sit at the right-hand side of the Father. Someday I will see You face to face and know You fully. Praise God for that pending gift! Lord God Almighty be glorified for who You are and how YOU inhabit Your many names and titles. Amen.
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